Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
