i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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