Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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