i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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