Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
