Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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