You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
