Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
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