overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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