mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
i now understand why vodka
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
