I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Oh god it's open bar.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
