T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
