Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Drunk is not a location!
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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