roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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