I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
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I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
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Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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