I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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