i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
