The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
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