Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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