he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
