Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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