this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Randomize
