i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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