living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
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the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
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I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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