What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
