sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
