Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
