Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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