She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize
