This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
