I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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