I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
No stitches, just platelets and will power
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
