In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
