i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
