I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
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