I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Randomize
