Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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