I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
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Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
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I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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