i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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