He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
are you so shy because you have an std?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
