Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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