He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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