So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.  Â
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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