He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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