You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
