I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
birth control should be required to get into college
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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