can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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