so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
