Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Randomize