Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
