I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
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