this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
