You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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