Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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