Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
