Me. At least after what I've been through.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
