I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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