Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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