My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
