The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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