My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
